QUESTION:

Our caterer has added a 20 % service charge, and 7% tax has been added to that. The waiters are being provided by the venue, and are being paid in a separate fee. The caterer says this is not their tip…that he has his own personnel that is paid by the service charge. He had a suggested tip of $1500.00 on the contract. The wedding is this Sunday. He would like the 1500 tip in advance, as a separate check. I said we would tip afterwards, and he said he gets the tip and distributes it before the event. This seems like blackmail to me, and my husband is adamantly saying he will not do it. I don’t want the day ruined. Advice, please?

-Linda

ANSWER:

Greetings Linda~

In this case, your caterer is correct.

The service charge offsets the caterer’s labor and administration costs such as dishwashing, packing for your event, travel time to and from your event, etc. The service charge is not a gratuity and does not cover the gratuities for the wait staff.

Now, as far as having to pay the wait staff’s gratuities in advance, that is ultimately up to you. Some caterers will ask that you tip them upfront (as they do the hardest physical labor on your wedding day, and should be compensated accordingly), but there is no reason you can’t tip them at the close of the evening (though you must make sure that if you go this route, you have cash or check ready to give to them literally at the close of the evening).

I cannot tell you how many questions I receive on a regular basis regarding event vendor service charges versus gratuities. It’s all very confusing! So, never feel bad about seeking a second opinion when it comes to these fees.

Good luck on your wedding, and happy planning!

Best Wishes,

Eve-Maridy

QUESTION:

My fiancé and I have decided to have a no-alcohol reception. His side of the family has decided not to come if there will not be alcohol there. What do I do?

-Kaeta

ANSWER:

Hi, Kaeta~

Good question – what can you do?

The point of your wedding day is to marry your life partner and share the joy of the experience with friends and family. If they choose not to attend the event due to a no-alcohol policy, what does that say about them?

I know that when dealing with family, nothing is truly black-and-white. So, you could offer a no-host/cash bar (where guests pay for their own cocktails); that is an option.

However, it sounds like you specifically do not want alcohol at the reception, so don’t have it! If his family decides not to attend, there’s nothing you can do about it, and it’s really not your problem.

I’m sorry they have placed this burden on you! Best of luck in making your final decision!

Best Wishes,

Eve-Maridy

]]> http://www.eventethos.com/blog/q-a-his-family-wont-come-if-there-isnt-alcohol/feed/ 0 http://www.eventethos.com/blog/q-a-elopement-announcement/ http://www.eventethos.com/blog/q-a-elopement-announcement/#comments Wed, 09 Jul 2008 15:42:19 +0000 Eve-Maridy http://www.eventethos.com/blog/?p=46 QUESTION:

I am getting married in the Dominican Republic. It is my second marriage. It
is a private ceremony with just us and my 2 children on the beach. However
we want to send announcements that we are getting married, but we do not want
to send invitations. Do I send the announcements before or after we are
married?

-Kristina
ANSWER:

Hi, Kristina~

First, congratulations on your wedding!

Second, since you are having a private ceremony with only family invited,
you should send your announcements directly after you return from your
wedding.

It’s important that you send them right after you get home, and be clear
that the announcement is just that, an announcement, and not an invitation.

Please let me know if you need any further information.

Happy planning!

-Eve-Maridy

For tipping the wait staff, you say 15-20% of the food bill–Do you include the total pricing from the caterer that includes, plates, tablecloths, etc… Or is it just the cost of the food portion? I appreciate your response.

-Theresa

ANSWER:

Good question, Theresa~

Check out this great article from Hudson Valley Weddings (http://www.hudsonvalleyweddings.com/guide/tipping.htm):

The catering manager for New World Catering, in Saugerties, emphasized the need for customers to thoroughly read the contract and to ask questions. Most caterers add the gratuity of 18% to 20% right onto the bill. That gratuity is sometimes called a service fee or service charge. It is an extra line on the bill in addition to food and bar. Wording differs from caterer to caterer, so customers need to be sure that they understand the bill in general and, in particular, they need to know much of the service charge the wait persons and other staff are actually getting paid.

Most caterers say that customers are not expected to tip “on top,” but point out that many people choose to do so. It is the caterer’s responsibility to make it clear to customers, up front, in what way the staff is taken care of and if anything additional is required.

It is really important for you to be open and forthcoming with your caterer, catering manager or restaurant owner. Ask if they have a policy and, if so, what it is. Gratuities relating to food services are often automatically included in the bill, so make sure to read your contract carefully. The gratuity may be calculated based on the number of guests or on the total amount of the bill and usually is paid for prior to the reception. The customary amount is between 15% and 20%. If, at the reception, the food services person goes out of his or her way for you and your guests, you might add a tip of $1-$2 per guest, after the reception. Tipping a hostess, maitre D’ or captain would fall between 1% and 2%.

So, before you even consider adding a gratuity yourself, check to see if your caterer has already added it for you. If they haven’t, you need to tip on the total amount of the bill. And, although the Hudson Valley Weddings article suggests that the average tip for a caterer is 15-20%, you should customarily tip your caterer closer to 18-20%.

I hope this helps! Please let me know if I can provide any further information.

Happy planning!
Eve-Maridy

I’m planning a wedding for May of 09 in Chicago. Was just reading your blog post on Room Blocks. Very helpful information.

My fiancé and I are planning to have our reception at a hotel and are doing some “venue shopping” this weekend. I was curious as to the average discount for room rates for blocks. Especially if we are also holding the reception at the hotel.

Trying to get as educated as possible before our meetings so we have some negotiating power. Any info you have would be helpful.

Thanks!

Bridget

ANSWER:

Hi, Bridget~

Good question!

The average rate discount on a room block in my experience is anywhere from 20-40% off the rack rate. Of course, I’m able to get these deals because (a) I’m typically holding large events with 20+ rooms blocked and event space rented in the hotel and (b) I’m willing to haggle with hotel sales staff until I get a rate I want. If you take the first price they give you, you’re the one losing!

You will have more negotiating power if you decide to hold your events in the hotel you’re looking for rooms at. Expect a smaller discount on room rates if you’re looking for rooms only, not event space (probably around 10-15%).

You’ll also get a better discount if you block a larger # of rooms. If you’re only looking to block 5 rooms, your discount will be small.

There’s an excellent article that addresses this exact issue by Heather Cross for About.com here:

http://gonyc.about.com/cs/hotels/a/oot_hotels.htm

I hope you have found this information helpful. Please let me know if I can be of further help.

Happy planning!

~Eve-Maridy Rice

I have been searching for weeks as to how to plan a 49th Anniversary Party for our parents.

Half of our family lives 4,000 miles away from our parents. It has been 13 years since we will all (all family members) be at home at the same time. And has taken us 10 years to plan and save for our trip.

Our parents 50th is next year, and we would like to celebrate their marriage this year. They were married in October of 1959, so we do understand we are pushing boundaries celebrating the 49th.

We have had several Aunts and Uncles pass away over the past 2 years, and feel, since we are all together, we could celebrate their 50th this summer.

We know we cannot be together next year, on their 50th. Is there an appropriate way to have this event? Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated.

-Linda

ANSWER:

Hi, Linda~

Thank you for your e-mail.

I’m a bit confused about exactly what you are asking – are you asking if it’s okay to plan a 49th anniversary celebration versus waiting to celebrate a 50th?

If that’s what you’re asking, the answer is absolutely yes! If your family is all going to be together anyway, that’s a perfect time to celebrate. You can even make your theme an “almost 50th” theme and have a lot of fun with the invitations and decorations focusing on that theme.

The bottom line is that no one is going to fault you for celebrating a bit early – that would be silly!

Does this help answer your question? If not, please clarify for me exactly what you are asking.

Happy planning!

-Eve-Maridy

If you receive a formal Wedding Invitation and there is no mention of R.s.v.p or any response card, are you supposed to send a response?

-Leigh

ANSWER:

Hi, Leigh~

You had me stumped on this question, and that doesn’t happen very often!

I researched the topic, and came up with the most magnificent answer to your question here:

http://www.bremercommunications.com/new_page_5.htm

Responding to an Invitation:

Every invitation you receive requires a response. The exception to this rule is the invitation that asks you to pay money to attend, such as a benefit or auction. Every other invitation should receive a response from you within seven days.

Many formal invitations, including most wedding invitations, now include a reply card for your response. Send it back promptly, again within one week’s time. For the record, it wasn’t that long ago that enclosing a reply card was considered in poor taste. However, as most people have become remiss in their manners, it has now become necessary and quite acceptable to include this built-in “nudge.”

If no reply card is enclosed, RSVP instructions will be included in the lower left-hand corner. If there is a phone number, you may call to accept or regret. If only an address has been offered, you must write your response. Passing the host or hostess on the street or in the hallway and telling them, “I can be there,” doesn’t count. You must still respond according to the instructions on the invitation.

To respond in writing to a formal invitation, there are guidelines to follow. It should be handwritten using black ink and centered on white or ecru paper. It should also be written in the third person, just like the invitation:

Mr. and Mrs. Walter Johnson
accept with pleasure
Mrs. Allen’s
kind invitation for
Sunday, the second of June

or

Mr. And Mrs. Walter Johnson
sincerely regret that
due to their absence from the country
they are unable to accept
Mrs. Allen’s
kind invitation for
Sunday, the second of June

Notice that with the regret, an explanation is given for their absence.

To respond to an informal invitation that was issued in writing, email or via phone, you may respond in the same manner in which it was issued. However, if you must regret, the best choice is always to write a personal note or call, explaining why you’re unable to attend.

So, the final answer to your question is, YES! You should respond regardless of whether a reply card was included.

I hope you find this information helpful. Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance. And thank you to Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP of Bremer Communications for help in answering this question.

Happy planning!

~Eve-Maridy

Could you please give me any ideas for the verbiage for no children
to a reception?

-Debbie

ANSWER:

Hi, Debbie~

This is actually something I had to deal with at my own wedding, so I understand the difficulty! It can be very hard to tell your friends and family that their children are not invited. No matter what you do, there will be one or two people that will opt out of your reception if children are not allowed (some on principle; some because they don’t like to leave their children with, or do not have access to, a babysitter).

Old-school etiquette dictates that the only way to deal with this situation is to spread the message via word-of-mouth (like that old “telephone” game). It is technically against etiquette rules to actually put “no children allowed” in writing anywhere. However, these days word-of-mouth often doesn’t spread far enough, so the rules are changing.

If it is absolutely imperative that no children attend the reception, the best thing to do is to include the verbiage “Adult-only Reception” on the lower corner of the reception card. If you are worried that is too blunt, you can be a bit more subtle by including the following verbiage on the reception card:

Please respond on our before (Date)
M_________________
Number of Adults____

The word “adults” in bold above is the key clue with this method.

As I mentioned, there is a chance that some invited guests may be offended that their children are not allowed, but at the end of the day, this is YOUR wedding/reception, and you are allowed to make the rules as you see fit.

I hope you find this information helpful. Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance. Congratulations on your wedding, and happy planning!

Best,

Eve-Maridy

I am hosting my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary, and doing my own invites. 2 questions, 1) whose name goes first my mom’s or my dad’s?? I thought my dad’s but friends have said that they heard “ladies first”. Example, I have Joe and Beryl. 2) Is it implied that it’s a wedding when you say anniversary?? I have 50th wedding anniversary, or should I just put 50th Anniversary. Your help is appreciated.

-Gail

ANSWER:

Hi, Gail~

These are great questions that forced me to dig around in my files a bit to find answers. I like questions like that!

It is most customary on anniversary invitations to include the woman’s name first. However, nowadays it is really at the discretion of whoever is putting together the invitations. So, if you like the way it sounds to have Joe and Beryl versus Beryl and Joe, go with your instinct.

As for the anniversary verbiage, “wedding” is typically implied by “anniversary”. However, I would say the real answer depends on how formal your invitations are. If you are doing a formal or semi-formal invitation, I would use the verbiage “wedding anniversary”. If it’s a more casual affair, “anniversary” alone should suffice.

If you are in need of complete wedding anniversary invitation verbiage, check out this site: http://www.invitationconsultants.com/samplewording.aspx?p_subcategory=160. They have some great ideas!

Good luck with the party, and congratulations to your parents on their 50th!

Happy planning,
Eve-Maridy

Is it proper to have a couple’s shower and also invite guests who are not invited to wedding? I don’t want to have 2 separate parties. I thought I could send 2 different invites, one for the shower and one for just a party for the couple of guests who aren’t invited.

Thanks!

Deb

PS: Can you help me with the wording for a couple’s shower and wording for “no gifts”.
ANSWER:

Hi, Deb~

This is a question I have gotten quite a few times. My first reaction is to say that if you are going to invite someone to attend your couple’s shower, you should also invite them to your wedding.

However, I understand that there are (more often in recent years) situations where couples may be having very small weddings, or destination weddings, so only a limited number of guests can be invited to the actual ceremony. In that case, it does make sense to have a couple’s shower to celebrate with the friends and family that will not make it on the final guest list for the ceremony.

I think it’s important to note that there may be some hurt feelings if you don’t invite certain people to the wedding that are invited to the shower. It’s just human nature. I suggest you make a point of telling your shower guests about the limited space at your wedding (or whatever the case may be) so they understand the reasoning behind them not being invited to the big day.

I’m not sure why you would need separate shower invitations. I suggest you send the same shower invitation to everyone.

As for the invitation verbiage, here are some good examples (courtesy of http://www.colorsbydesign.com/store/WORDING/bridalwording.shtml)

Couple’s Shower
Brenda and Dave’s wedding
is on the way
Help us prepare them
for their big day!

A Couple’s Shower
in honor of
Brenda Disby & Dave Vorn
Saturday, April 15, 2000
3:30 p.m.
Hosted by Samantha and Keith
1212 Rexford Drive, Brentwood

Regrets only (212) 376-1669

Couple’s Shower
You’re invited
to a
shower of love
Please join us for a
couple’s shower
to celebrate the recent marriage
of
Jenny and Jason
Theme: Gifts of Love
Saturday, August 1st
5:00 p.m.
4376 Elm Street
Danbury

R.s.v.p. to: Lori & Ken
(323) 543-1123

If you would prefer your guests not bring gifts to the shower, try using one of the following lines of text at the bottom of your shower invitations (courtesy of http://marriage.about.com/od/anniversaries/qt/nogifts.htm)

-No gifts please. Your presence with us on this special day will be our cherished gift.

-Your love and friendship is the only gift we need or desire.

-The couple requests no gifts.

-No gifts requested.

-In lieu of gifts, you may make a donation to ____ (list some favorite charities.)

-The family asks that no gifts be given.

I hope you find this information helpful. Please let me know if I can help in any other way!

Happy planning!

~Eve-Maridy